Striving for connection

by Alex Holmes

Millions of us are experiencing increased anxiety and a sense of social isolation in addition to having to navigate persistent uncertainty in our daily lives.

Whilst we don't know what the future holds, we know that building and maintaining mutually supportive relationships and communities is a key driver of happiness and wellbeing, so we asked longtime VERO Member, author and podcaster Alex Holmes, for his thoughts on how we can achieve meaningful connection now that most social interaction happens online...

Alex Holmes

‘Striving for connection, above all else’

Last week, I had an anxiety attack.

As someone who has high functioning anxiety, this isn't abnormal. Unfortunately, neither was the source of the attack: scrolling through Instagram.

I was overwhelmed. TikTokkers, social media challenges and Instagram Live videos have permeated every element of my consciousness throughout this pandemic. There is content everywhere and I felt an extreme pressure to keep up with all of it.

Instead of feeling closer to others, I felt more distant and craving authentic connection. There were friends I hadn't seen in months. Family I was nervous to be around. New relationships I was anxious to begin and develop.

“The need for social connection is a core element of being human, but connection requires empathy – something that’s waning in our current culture of algorithms, swiping and fast-news.”

— ALEX HOLMES

It became overwhelming, and I began to spiral mentally. Loss of breath, dizziness and increasing feelings of being frightened caused me to break into tears.

The need for social connection is a core element of being human, but connection requires empathy – something that’s waning in our current culture of algorithms, swiping and fast-news. Empathy is hard to nurture online, which is where most of us build and maintain many of our relationships now.

The pandemic has upended much of our lives. Jobs are on the line. For creators, the reality of getting work and continuing to work is not guaranteed. Children lost their summers to anxious parents and confusing statements from those in authority. Parents lost a lot of their summer to deaths. It has been a summer of loss.

Social distancing became barriers to interpersonal, physical connection.

Friends who met regularly were relegated to Zoom and FaceTime. We were restricted from seeing certain members of our families. We have lost a fundamental part of what it is to be human.

Flashing back to May, I understood connection in a way that challenged me. When I stepped out of my house in London to clap for the National Health Service, looking around at my neighbors felt as if I had landed in a foreign country.

“Social distancing became barriers to interpersonal, physical connection. Friends who met regularly were relegated to Zoom and FaceTime. We were restricted from seeing certain members of our families. We have lost a fundamental part of what it is to be human.”

On VE Day - a day commemorating the surrender of Nazi Germany to the Allies towards the end of the Second World War - my parents and I went across the road to a neighbor's house where, standing outside with other neighbors, we sang Vera Lynn's wartime song 'We Will Meet Again' while passing around plastic cups of rum punch, wine and beer. When I looked down my road and saw families I had barely acknowledged prior to the pandemic, I was reminded that this was a community, and I had taken it all for granted.

We spoke to the elderly mother of my neighbor who was six when victory in Europe was declared, and the memory of the war lives in her. The pandemic reminds her of the war. The distance, the fear. The challenges of the youth to remain young but carry the weight and pressures of the older generation. Worst of all, the challenges of loss.

Clapping for the NHS was specific. From May to July, each Thursday we came to our front doors, looked warily at the neighbors we didn't know, and smiled awkwardly at the neighbors we did, and clapped for the frontline workers in the British health service. Each night it became a street party. A neighbor's son began to play the Bhangra and Dhol drums, while my own family would blow carnival horns, and another would beat their pans. It was pandemonium. But while there were few neighbors I knew, I had to ask myself why hadn't I known my neighbors before then?

As time hurried on, I realized this question was an opportunity lost. Soon after, we were told to stop clapping for the NHS. We were told to focus on our ‘family bubbles’ and stick to six people per household and of late, we have been told to report households who are housing more than six people - even our neighbors.

The opportunity for us to create thriving local communities on our streets was taken from us. The urge to get everyone back to work, to get the economy back on track and to get people to spend money in restaurants took precedence. As lockdown restrictions have continued, more and more social interactions have moved online and we’re experiencing an empathy deficit as a result, because the internet is becoming an increasingly hostile place. Cancel culture. Doxxing. Fake news. Glorified violence. Negative impacts on mental health and wellbeing.

If more of our social lives continue to move online, how do we encourage meaningful connection?

“To be empathetic is a vulnerable choice. It’s an act of love which fuels connections.”

In Netflix’s ‘The Social Dilemma’, Jaron Lanier, author of ‘Ten Arguments For Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now’, observes “there’s an argument to be had that if you are not paying for social media, we are not the consumers – we are being consumed.” This consumption of our time, self-esteem, self-image and our thoughts have caused us to misconstrue what we feel with what we believe – and not give us the opportunity to learn. If we want to nurture meaningful connections, we need empathy.

To be empathetic is a vulnerable choice. It’s an act of love which fuels connections because it causes us to seek to understand what others are going through from their perspective, not our own. It requires patience and the recognition that people are on the journey to greater understanding and learning.

I ask, how can we be more empathetic?

We do this by saying, 'I feel with you' rather than 'I feel for you.' We do this by engulfing ourselves in the music, books, films that move us to be better people. We do this by going outside, seeing and meeting new people (safely). We do it by wanting to have conversations. We do it by acknowledging we are all on a journey and moving at different paces. That's how empathy shows up in the world.

The next time you see your neighbor in the street, wave at them and start a conversation. When you go online next, share something that is of value. Share a book passage, a piece of writing, a film quote or snippet. Something that connects with other people.

And importantly, never forget that your mental health is the most important thing we have. Switch off from anything that causes you to feel uncomfortable.

In the case of my anxiety, I am working on managing my social media exposure and opting for places where I can learn, grow and engage, more than places that cause me to feel pain. And that is why I seek to find connection above all else - because my mental, spiritual and physical health relies on it.